Change (part two) or What is the cost for avoiding change?

28 days later - still drinking :-)

What are we paying and with what Monet?

We're paying for not living our lives and Monet is our life. In other words, basically: It is a question of conformation and non-conformation. At least in Croatia.

So, what I did last week? I took a vacation and the first three days I spent drunk. Yeah. I drink a lot and I drink fast. On Friday a friend of mine had a birthday party, on Sunday I lead a workshop on e-publishing and we drank a couple of drinks to celebrate the end of a successful workshop and on Sunday I went to help my father with some woods for the coming winter (because winter is coming :-)) and an old friend of mine came too so we got drunk really hard after the job was done. My wife almost carried me to the bed. The next morning she said:

- I don't like you when you're drunk.

Well honey I don't like myself when I'm sober. I don't like myself when I'm drunk either, but only the day after. To cut the crap - I don't like myself, honey. That's the reason when you ask why you drink yourself to death? Actually every day I don't commit suicide is a victory. Yes, honey, sometimes is like that.

So on Monday, the day after, I was really depressed (mild hangover included). When my wife came back from work we had a serious talk and we got to an agreement not to drink and smoke (both of us) for three weeks. I said:

- More suffering? Bring it on, baby! At least I'll suffer by my own choice.

Tuesday passed so-so and on Wednesday I started to meditate, exercise and write. Not much, a couple of hours of writing, but I manage to put almost 1000 words on paper (I know it's a screen actually but paper sounds more like I'm a serious writer). And so I did on Tuesday and on Friday and on Saturday. The story isn't over yet because it broke loose and I don't know what will happen and how will it end. (A nightmare for a control freak like me. :-) But also, the greatest thing in writing process.) As soon I started to do all this things (not without procrastination, hesitation and so on...) depression disappeared and joy and happiness took place. I said to myself:

- All right! That's how I want to spend the rest of my life! I-ha!

And I really very much enjoyed the rest of this vacation. I managed even to reduce the pain in my back so now I can regularly sleep eight hours in a row. That's a winner! And not even one thought of suicide crossed my mind. :-) Sunday evening my spouse and I went for a walk by the seaside and treat ourselves with a beer and A cigarette for enduring the first week of none drinking and non smoking. We deserved it.

p.s.
To say a few words about I don't like myself thing. It's only partially true. Yes, I don't like myself but more precisely – I don't love myself. It doesn't matter what's the reason – probably some kind of unfulfilled expectation of how I or my life should look like – because knowing the reason will not help me to love myself (like is more ego-thing, love is more spiritual-thing). I need to do that, to love myself, not to understand why I'm not doing it. Understanding, eventually, could spring me/us to start do something – it isn't the solution to a problem. We are not mathematical or physical problem which needs to be understood to be solved. We are much, much, much more complex than physical laws – we are biological beings, of course, but we are also emotional beings, reasonable beings and spiritual beings. We cannot be what we are if we only use reason to "understand" what's wrong. So, reasoning is not enough! This is the first obstacle and sometimes it's quite enough to stop us. Listen people, reasoning is not enough! We must do things. We must do things that confirm to us that we love us. To love is to care. Do you care for yourself or you just do things to impress others and maintain image of yourself to yourself (very rarely to others because others know us better than we do ourselves)? Do you care? Do I care 'bout myself? Well, when I'm not drinking myself to death, not smoking 20 fags a day, exercise regularly and eat according to my metabolic type – yes I do. I care 'bout my body. Thank you! When I write 1000 words per day and read every day and work towards becoming full time writer – I care 'bout my talent and my calling. Thank you! When I meditate every day and expanding my worldview with new insights and cut my bad habits as soon as I notice them – I care 'bout my spiritual development. Yes, I do! Thank you for asking!

To conclude – the question is not: Do I care for myself or not? The question is why I'm not doing it? And answer to that question is the reason why we resist changing. Fear.

Fear of what?

The Colony

Inspiration for Wintertide. Haven't seen yet, but I will for sure. :-)

Postcards from Italy

The shattered soul
Following close but nearly twice as slow

The times we had
Oh, when the wind would blow with rain and snow
Were not all bad
We put our feet just where they had, had to go
Never to go

The shattered soul
Following close but nearly twice as slow
In my good times
There were always golden rocks to throw
at those who admit defeat too late
Those were our times, those were our times

And I will love to see that day
That day is mine
When she will marry me outside with the willow trees
And play the songs we made
They made me so
And I would love to see that day
Her day was mine 

Life Before Death

I have nothing to say.

I can only be grateful to Walter Schels and his partner Beate Lakotta for doing this.

I'm deeply touched.

Thanks.

Here.

Wintertide

Unbelievable Pictures of Frozen Europe

There is a lot of fuss and debates about global warming, even the writing competitions start to appear. Is it human influence or it's just normal natural circle which we can't perceive because we have been collecting data for only couple of hundred years or maybe it is solar activities, or solar radiation, or magnetic storms or change in tilt of the earth's axis? We don't know yet for sure but whatever the cause is, the fact is that climate changes in front of our eyes.

I know that because when I was younger, the seasons were more stable, there weren't so many storms, so big oscillations in daily temperatures and so extreme weather. I hear a lot about rising temperature and that drought will strike us so we will have less and less drinking water, ice would melt and the sea level will rise. It looks like we are going to live in a much warmer world than we used to.

Five, six years ago (probably more :-)) I was surprised when I realised it was April and there was still snow in the mountains around Rijeka and that there was still a smell and taste of winter. In Croatia, on the northern part of the Adriatic coast where I live, we were used to the middle of spring in April – bees buzzin', yellow butterflies acting like they know where they flying, swallows nesting, sweet pollen in the air that is pleasantly warm, winter cold melting from our ankles and vitality running through our bodies, girls wearing shorter dresses and blouses and for the moment it looks like everything is OK. Even thought "Life is beautiful!" may cross our minds. On the first of May (a national holiday in Croatia celebrated as International Worker's Day), usually we would all wear t-shirts and even got first sunburns if we fall asleep in a meadow after barbecue and couple of beers. :-) But instead of half-dressed girls I'm looking at the mountains covered with snow and I'm still wearing a winter jacket, a scarf and a cap. Then thought crossed my mind: "What if global warming isn't about living in a warmer world but, instead, living in the Ice Age?"

That was the beginning of short story collection named Wintertide. I wrote three stories set in that world. Even one part of my novel Night by the River (currently in translation and it will be published in autumn if my translator comes home alive from Istanbul – I monitor her over the Facebook :-)) is set in that ice-frozen future city of Rijeka. One of those stories you can read on this blog here, or you can buy it here just to taste what this short story collection will look like or to support my writing. While you do that I'll keep writing new stories.

And remember that we are living in between two ice ages.

"Winter is not coming. Winter is here."

Stay frosty!

Dog days are over

I started.

Finally.

I wrote 600 words on Sunday in a couple of hours, and I wrote 120 words yesterday in one hour.

Advice "Write first – edit later." is a golden one. Before, I used to write and edit almost at the same time and it took me a lot of time to do it, it was a motivational killer and in the end it still needed editing. :-) So, just putting text on paper, even if you see that it could be written better while you typing, is a great thing! At least, it's a great thing for a rusty writer like me. The last short story I wrote six months ago and the short story before that – two years ago. So, to use "rusty" in this context is extremely benevolent and as for the "writer" I wouldn't even comment. Writers write. Right? Yeah, right!

Starting to write this blog was very encouraging to start produce fiction. A few more things got together – like explosion of e-books self-publishing and finding fellow writers with the same goal (thank you very much guys – you help me more than you can imagine! :-)) Final push I got from a reader who, after she read my short story collection, said to me in an e-mail:

I read your short story collection twice even though I have a lot of exams to study for. As I read, I could hardly wait for the end of every story because I knew that the end will cause the rush of ants running in my chest. At the same time, I didn't want for story to end so quickly! So I developed a tactic: I read very fast the whole story and then near the end I slowed down the reading so that end lasted longer than the whole story. And then, came that indescribable feeling! After every last sentence of every story! Then I read again, and even if I know what will happen, the same filing comes again! That's really something!

That's the power of readers!

(I think the worst thing a writer can do is to give his/hers work to family, fellow writers, critics, professors to read... Be in touch with your readers! Readers know! :-))

Thank you very, very much – dear Iva!

I'm back.

Behold!

:-)

Change

I have two dear friends, a couple, married with beautiful and sweet little daughter as all children are. They live in a fine house, on a fine spot and their all basic needs are met. They even have successful careers as much as something like that is possible in Croatia. They have friends, parents that are still alive, hobbies, two cars... I talked to them five months ago and I asked them how things are goin' and they replied not very well. Their relationship is crumbling apparently for no reason. I said that I understand that. This blog post goes for you guys. I hope you're still together and that you have found a way to settle "things".

So, what I understand?

I understand that feeling when it seems that all things are falling apart. I understand dissatisfaction and unbearable feeling of everyday life, frustration because things aren't the way they suppose to be. And I'm not talking about things I cannot influence like current government politics or catastrophic global economic situation or infant behavioural patterns of my closest working partners. I'm talking about things I can influence, I'm talking about things that only I can change. I'm talking about myself.

How much would you pay?

Heya dear readers!

Usually I wouldn't write a post on this poll but, much as far as I know, this is the only way to get this poll on Goodreads. :-)

You can vote in this box on the right. Thank you very much for your effort. I know it's not much for you but certainly is for me. If you're reading this on Goodreads, please visit my blog and vote. Don't be surprised if the poll shows only few votes - bloody thing resets itself every few hours. I keep track of the votes in an excel sheet on my computer. Frustrating it is, yes. :-)

So, here's some information on the forthcoming short story collection. It will consist of eight stories between 500 and 4000 words long, all together around 15.500 words or 50 pages. So that you know what you buying - in numbers.

Few of the stories you can read on this blog under the tag writing. All the translation work was done by Petra Pintaric. Dear Petra, thank you very very much! It's been a pleasure to work with you. And, of course, there is Branko Antolic my brother-in-law, the typical Scorpio, who did the proofreading. Thanks, bro! That much about the quality.

Two of the stories are, actually, part of a still unwritten but soon-to-be (hopefully until fall; in worst case, until the end of the year - this year! :-)) collection of short stories set in the near future where the climate changes cause the short term extreme weather condition. You will hear more on that soon when I start to write it. :-)

Before the end of the post, few words about the title. Why Old stories? Well, they are all written in time before a smartphones and mobile internet. When was that? Now you know. :-)

And at the end, instead of a candy, a prize for you, dedicated readers, a cover!

Taraaaaaam!

A Handful of Rags

The cover is done! (All right, I admit - almost :-)). But all stories are translated and it is matter of week or two before I publish my first short story collection. I'm thrilled. A little. :-) 

So, to celebrate that in advance, I present you, dear readers, one story from collection. It's A Handful of Rags, a short story that won Zlatko Tomičić prize for the best short story back in 2006.

Hope you'll enjoy it.

Here you go people: A Handful of Rags!

His jaw was clenched. His nostrils were flared. His eyes were devouring the monitor. There were beads of sweat on his forehead. His left hand was jerking rhythmically. He timed his climax for when the first squirt hit the garter belt and the stocking, but he missed. He squinted at the scene he had missed through half-closed eyes.

“Uuugh!” He was dizzy from the relief. His head hung. The sweat above his eyebrows dripped down his eyelid. The back of his chair squeaked.

Alt + F4 erased the window on his screen. The movie now seemed stupid to him.

***

“Hey, do you know that Eiffel invented the garter belt?”

“Bullshit!”

Do you realize?

After work, few months ago, I stopped by my very dear friend's office to see her only to find out that she is not at work because her granddad died and she is on his funeral. I called her. Of course she couldn't reply so I texted her. Couple of minutes later she texted me back and then the realization that one man is gone for good struck me.

I didn't need to recall the death and funeral of my grandma that was two years ago, I just let realization to open me. That man is gone and that will happen to me and to all the people I know. We’ll all go. We will all die. No one will survive life. And the last man who will die in my life would be me.

To even start to get a grasp on the fact that I will disappear is very hard. That is completely out of the rational understanding. My ratio tells me that I was always here, all the time and so it is unimaginable that one day I'll be gone. Erased. Nullified. Gone. Vanished into thin air. Like I have never been here. 

But I will.

That is the only thing I can be sure of. 

Only I don't know when.

Having that in mind the question I'm asking myself is: What's the point? What is the point of having children when I'll disappear? Or writing a book? Or get married? Or earn million bucks? Or fuck the playmate of the month? Or be virtues? Or achieve anything or lose everything? What's the point? Why bother if I'll die in the end. All these goals and achievements that our culture currently propagates so eagerly are completely insignificant compared to death. I'm sure that is the reason why death and elders are removed from mass media, why we live in culture of youth, beauty, fun and leisure. I strongly believe that is also the reason why all that Twilight saga bullshit is so popular. We will live forever, young and beautiful (even if that means we'll rip other people's throats and drink their blood, suck their life – ultimate selfishness).

I don't think life by itself has a meaning. It's like we discuss what the meaning of wolf's life is? A Wolf's life doesn't have a meaning. The meaning is beyond wolf's understanding. The wolf couldn't even pose that question. The wolf's life is just life and he does what his instincts order him to do (and newagers call that freedom – Jesus Christ!). There is no meaning in a wolf's life. So, there is no meaning in our lives too. Life is life and that's it. There is no meaning in life. Meaning of life is to live (and die in the end :-)). And that's it. If we want meaning – we need to give it to life.

The last sentences of my friend's grandpa were: 

"Do not sue the driver. The man isn't guilty." He was run over by a driver who was blinded by the morning sun and didn't see an old man crossing the street.

"Take care of each other. Don't argue with each other." He said that to his wife and daughter.

"I'm sorry I didn't make a will." He had poor pension and didn't have any wealth.

On the other hand, my friend was in the hospital and doctors couldn't agree what's wrong with him. So he asked, after couple of weeks sitting in the dark. One of the doctors told him he had cancer and he wouldn't live more than a few months (in his opinion, of course). It was a wrong diagnosis but my friend realized that he will die. So, after a long night of thinking, in the morning he picked up the phone and started to call all of his ex-girlfriends to apologise for being an asshole.  

Does the understanding of our mortality gives meaning to our lives or makes us better people? Don't know. My experience after 3 months of everyday meditation on death and impermanence is that it has broken my heart. At least cracked it. Suddenly, I realise that I have no time and that only thing I need to do is to change. Not myself, not the others, not the job but the way I live. Did I realise that I’ll die? Not quite. Have I found the meaning of life? Of course not. Had I become better person? Don’t know. Maybe. 

But it’s a start.

The Flaming Lips - Do You Realize from matt wissing on Vimeo.