Funeral

We (my wife and I) organized a funeral last weekend. Actually, more like two. But with one grave. We went to the mountains. The air was humid and ground was wet. The sky was in the shades of grey. More than fifty. In her orange bag, Sanja carried an envelope with a few ultrasound images. Precisely - four. One of them had even heart rates. A year and a half before, she got pregnant. Embryo grew for 9 weeks. Then she miscarried. Surgically. It was dead. The same thing happened 9 months later. This time with heart beats. 10th week. Good people told us that we need to make burial ceremony. To let go. So we finally decided to do it, because it is not so easy to let go one of our sufferings. Especially when we grow attachment to them.

We walked until a flash flood blocked our way. Then we found soft ground we could dig enough to bury few pieces of paper. I dug the pit.

The Maker

How does Gollum see in the dark?

I was spelunker for almost ten years. If you turn off the light in the cave only what you can see is darkness. That is really interesting experience. It is not that you see nothing. You see darkness. (I don't believe anybody has ever seen "nothing". How can you see "nothing"?) It is the same as you look at your eyelids from inside in the dark room. But you have eyes open. That's weird. Immediately surrounding space become infinitive and (or should I say: therefore) claustrophobic. You feel that your heart has shrunk somehow (only if you haven't start to panic and treat yourself with panic attack, then started to scream and finally lost consciousness so the rest of the team must carry you outside :-)). Actually, you don't know what to think while you are immersed in blackness. You can wave with your hand in front of your nose but you won't see your hand. You can only feel cold breeze. Or hear dripping of water in the distance. Sounds are amplified by silence and from automatically shift to sense of hearing. It's dark like in a deepest pit in the midnight on the moonless night. :-) Once I was locked in the refrigerator car for a 10 to 15 minutes just to drive me from a point A to point B (I remember how hooks for meat are clanking on the bumps on the road) – it's the same darkness. So, if you want to experience that kind of darkness you can lock yourself in a freezer. It's little warmer in caves but darkness is the same.

So then, how does Gollum see in the dark? If you ever asked yourself that question, here are some answers from Wired Sience.

The Cell Phone

If men is five

And the Devil is six

Then God is seven.

Pixies

Ana sat on the metal bench at the bus stop. She noticed a middle-aged man coming towards her. He was talking on his cell phone.

- Yes, mom. Of course, mom. We’ll be there this weekend as planned. We’ll bring the kids with us for sure - he was saying as he reached the bus stop, looked at Ana and smiled.

She remained impartial to his kindness and thought to herself,

“Oh God, how I hate it when people show off on their cell phones! I’m never getting a cell phone! Never!”

She was unique.

Why Departed?

It’s all about death.

I’m immortal.

Immortal like every men and women I know. (Ok. I admit there may be a several people who are not immortal and I know them, but I can’t recognize that quality in them so it doesn’t matter. Sort of.) What I want to say is that I do not know that I’m going to die one day. I mean, I do know, but only as idea. I do not know it by my heart and certainly not by my stomach. And these are parts where our true knowledge is, where what we really know is. All those funny ideas what we have in our mind (some people call it “head”) about our values, who we are (kind and loving person), who we love (yes, darling I’ll love you until the end of time) very quickly evaporate when our everyday routine has been shaken. Like, for example, when stupid bitch that I call “wife” (or “mother”, or “sister”, or “grandma”) ate last peace of my favorite chocolate. All that stories that we talk ourselves about love, care, giving etc. are flushed down the toilet in second. Isn’t that funny?
- Hey, man! Who you are?
(with crying voice)
- Don’t know, man!
- Why?
- I’ve been flushed down the toilet.

What's this blog about?

It's all about money.

That's it.

The Plan is simple. Make enough money from my writing so I can quit current job and write and meditate the whole day. To do that, I need to start a blog (among other things :-)) in English because a lot more people understand English then Croatian. Cro-what!? Yeah, you got the point. That will be quite challenging because English is not my mother tongue and I was very lazy student throughout whole of my scholarly life. I simply didn't want to study (English as a foreign language, included). Maybe school was too easy for me or I was not ambitious enough or just lazy. Who knows? But it doesn't matter, really. Now I know what I know and I have to live with that and try to do better than I did in my past.

I know the Plan is very long shot and I know there is probably a million young writers like me worldwide, but in a way - I got nothing to lose. Monty Python said in Life of Brian:

You know, you come from nothing - you're going back to nothing. What have you lost? Nothing! 

So, is there any good reason why should I succeed? I don't know. But I'm going to find out. In the end:

It's all about writing.

Goodbye cockroaches!

Why “cockroaches”?

During 80’s and at the beginning of 90’s, in Bosnia (these days we were all livin’ in one state called Yugoslavia) existed a rock band called No smoking. They played a song Ballad of Pišonja [pee-shaw-gna like in cognac] and Žuga [shoo-ga like in Lady Gaga] about two teenage friends who always dreamed about goin’ on the sea but they never did it. So, one summer night they stole a cassette player from the home of the elderly and a bus from local transportation and set a course for a sea. During the ride, Žuga said that the sea is only first step in their adventure and the next step is World and beyond. Referring to all of their friends who stayed behind in their suburbian shacks to continue with their lousy way of livin’ he said: “Goodbye cockroaches!”

That’s why cockroaches.

‘Couse you don’t have guts.

‘Couse you like comfortable life.

‘Couse you are too scared or too lazy (which is the same coin).

‘Couse you wait for your life to pass.

‘Couse you are dead.

You like this, roaches?

Pissed off, scared, annoyed?

That’s good. There is still hope for you. But don’t forget that Hope is a bitch and what you need is action.

(If you think this is a bullshit – then you are beyond hope. Good luck with the rest of your life! Really. And don’t come back to this blog. Just continue with your happy life.)

Do you know what happen’ to Pišonja and Žuga in the end? Do you think they make it to the sea? The World and beyond?

Of course they didn’t.

Cops blocked the way and they rammed the bus in blockade. Some people said that rearview mirror was found 50 meters away (54.68 yards, for colonials). In the last verse before he loses his consciousness, Pišonja asks himself watching the Moon: “God, how can this be? Some people make it to the Moon and Žuga and I can’t even to the sea.”

:-)

Roaches.

(Or it's better to call you Bees? Like zombies? What say you?)

What you, roaches, are goin’ to read on this blog?

Well, there is goin’ to be three major categories: Informing, Thinking and Writing. Exactly in that order.

Informing will contain certain information on topics I think are interesting, or, at least, are interesting to me.

In category Thinking(thin-king) you will be at mercy of my thoughts. Just to feel how is to be me. I believe very much the same as being you, cockroaches, so it won't be so hard to endure reading posts in this category.

The last one is Writing. This one is the best! Do you remember Vogon poetry? Well, it's not poetry. It's prose, baybe. Who's prose is this? It's Zed's. Who's Zed? Zed is dead, baybe. Zed is dead.

God have mercy on yours souls.

Let's roll!