One who shall die - greets you!

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

All over the world

The Pixies. Evergreen. Love them. Very much.

For Wintertide:

With a pet at my side
God in the sky
Snow falling down
Freeze my body to the ground
I can't ride
But one more time
I will ride
All over the world

All over the world

With a pet at my side
God in the sky
Snow falling down
Freeze my body to the ground
I can't ride
But one more time
I will ride
All over the world

Washed over the side
Top of the sky
Slow diver down
Two feet land on a different fround
You can't live easily
You can't even speak
But all of them speak
All over the world

I will meet you over there
I am going to meet you over there
Washed over the side
Top of the sky
Slow diver down
Two feet land on a different ground
You can't live easily
You can't even speak
Fish all of them speak
All over the world

A plain with no herd
Not even a bird
When one side is hot
The other side of the moon is not
It's just like a ride
Maybe some time
They'll make it a ride
All over the world

I will meet you over there
I am going to meet you over there

Time is an arrangement
Time is an arranger
I am a derangement

All my thoughts
All I am are my thoughts
All my thoughts
I am all what I'm taught

Better call the ranger
Got a train derailments
Better call the ranger

What I'm taught
All I am are my thoughts
All my thoughts
All I am are my thoughts
What I'm not

Tuesday, September 3, 2013

Cool inspiration for writing Wintertide

A woman looks out of a window covered in frost
while travelling on a bus in Bucharest, Romania.
(source: Daily Mail Online)
Here are some interesting articles and photos to remind you of upcoming winter or of writing about global cooling if that is what you do. I do. So, this is more like a inspiration for me to keep typing. I managed to write about 20.000 words so far and I believe that an e-book in Croatian will be published before Christmas. It will be ideal gift for people who we love. To remind'em how our lives are short and fragile. Can't think of better gift. Not only for Christmas but for everyday. ;-)

English version will probably be published after New Year. Maybe accompanied with some blizzard storms in the real world.

Meantime, I'll keep typing. I even made a deal with a friend that we will produce at least 1000 words per day for two weeks to keep ourselves motivated. And it works! So, if you are also trying to melt off your writing muscle like I do, find one a fellow writer to make a deal. Just pay attention to pick one who is trustworthy. Because if You pick a wrong guy or a girl - you are screwed.

So long, Penguins!

Ah yes, links:

Europe's worst early snow in 20 years
Snow falls in Rome for the first time in 26 YEARS (by DailyMail)
Worst March snowfall in decades
Winter of 1946–47 in the United Kingdom
Winter of 2009–10 in Europe

Thursday, August 22, 2013

I'll be there, in the sun and in the shadow - review

Ja bit ću tu, na suncu i u sjeniJa bit ću tu, na suncu i u sjeni by Christian Kracht
My rating: 2 of 5 stars

One word - flatland.

Very well written (although, I read translation), nice descriptions (sometimes like a good canvas) but I couldn't connect with characters and story didn't suck me in. There is no thrill, there is no suspense, there is no even some deep insights or genuine suffer or pain to connect with. It's just listing of episodes. There are a few good scenes like the one with German partisans but also there are some completely inconclusive and already seen like standing on the mine.

To me, this is just another postmodern smart and "provocative" flatland novel. Shallow. No depth in characters, no evolutionary perspective. Whole thing stands on a "shock": Swiss Soviet Republic, Africans that wage war in Alps, Germans and Brits are Nazis but that's, unfortunately, all. Pitty. Because idea is really provocative and opens a great space for exploring possibilities of alternative history and human development.

Luckily, novel is short enough to be read in a few hours. Thanks for that! ;-)

Or, you can forget what you just read about the book and conclude that I'm just stupid or to old fashioned for this postmodern prose.

View all my reviews

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Fire from within

Fire from WithinFire from Within by Carlos Castaneda
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

Excellent book for people who want to get insight in shamanic spiritual tradition. Other than that, it is pretty much hard to understand it's content if one does not have any spiritual training at all. So, be careful! This book is not for everyone.

Stay focused, Naguals!


View all my reviews

Thursday, July 4, 2013

Change (part two) or What is the cost for avoiding change?

28 days later - still drinking :-)
What are we paying and with what Monet?

We're paying for not living our lives and Monet is our life. In other words, basically: It is a question of conformation and non-conformation. At least in Croatia.

So, what I did last week? I took a vacation and the first three days I spent drunk. Yeah. I drink a lot and I drink fast. On Friday a friend of mine had a birthday party, on Sunday I lead a workshop on e-publishing and we drank a couple of drinks to celebrate the end of a successful workshop and on Sunday I went to help my father with some woods for the coming winter (because winter is coming :-)) and an old friend of mine came too so we got drunk really hard after the job was done. My wife almost carried me to the bed. The next morning she said:

- I don't like you when you're drunk.

Well honey I don't like myself when I'm sober. I don't like myself when I'm drunk either, but only the day after. To cut the crap - I don't like myself, honey. That's the reason when you ask why you drink yourself to death? Actually every day I don't commit suicide is a victory. Yes, honey, sometimes is like that.

So on Monday, the day after, I was really depressed (mild hangover included). When my wife came back from work we had a serious talk and we got to an agreement not to drink and smoke (both of us) for three weeks. I said:

- More suffering? Bring it on, baby! At least I'll suffer by my own choice.

Tuesday passed so-so and on Wednesday I started to meditate, exercise and write. Not much, a couple of hours of writing, but I manage to put almost 1000 words on paper (I know it's a screen actually but paper sounds more like I'm a serious writer). And so I did on Tuesday and on Friday and on Saturday. The story isn't over yet because it broke loose and I don't know what will happen and how will it end. (A nightmare for a control freak like me. :-) But also, the greatest thing in writing process.) As soon I started to do all this things (not without procrastination, hesitation and so on...) depression disappeared and joy and happiness took place. I said to myself:

- All right! That's how I want to spend the rest of my life! I-ha!

And I really very much enjoyed the rest of this vacation. I managed even to reduce the pain in my back so now I can regularly sleep eight hours in a row. That's a winner! And not even one thought of suicide crossed my mind. :-) Sunday evening my spouse and I went for a walk by the seaside and treat ourselves with a beer and A cigarette for enduring the first week of none drinking and non smoking. We deserved it.

To say a few words about I don't like myself thing. It's only partially true. Yes, I don't like myself but more precisely – I don't love myself. It doesn't matter what's the reason – probably some kind of unfulfilled expectation of how I or my life should look like – because knowing the reason will not help me to love myself (like is more ego-thing, love is more spiritual-thing). I need to do that, to love myself, not to understand why I'm not doing it. Understanding, eventually, could spring me/us to start do something – it isn't the solution to a problem. We are not mathematical or physical problem which needs to be understood to be solved. We are much, much, much more complex than physical laws – we are biological beings, of course, but we are also emotional beings, reasonable beings and spiritual beings. We cannot be what we are if we only use reason to "understand" what's wrong. So, reasoning is not enough! This is the first obstacle and sometimes it's quite enough to stop us. Listen people, reasoning is not enough! We must do things. We must do things that confirm to us that we love us. To love is to care. Do you care for yourself or you just do things to impress others and maintain image of yourself to yourself (very rarely to others because others know us better than we do ourselves)? Do you care? Do I care 'bout myself? Well, when I'm not drinking myself to death, not smoking 20 fags a day, exercise regularly and eat according to my metabolic type – yes I do. I care 'bout my body. Thank you! When I write 1000 words per day and read every day and work towards becoming full time writer – I care 'bout my talent and my calling. Thank you! When I meditate every day and expanding my worldview with new insights and cut my bad habits as soon as I notice them – I care 'bout my spiritual development. Yes, I do! Thank you for asking!

To conclude – the question is not: Do I care for myself or not? The question is why I'm not doing it? And answer to that question is the reason why we resist changing. Fear.

Fear of what?

Saturday, June 29, 2013

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Postcards from Italy

The shattered soul
Following close but nearly twice as slow

The times we had
Oh, when the wind would blow with rain and snow
Were not all bad
We put our feet just where they had, had to go
Never to go
The shattered soul
Following close but nearly twice as slow
In my good times
There were always golden rocks to throw
at those who admit defeat too late
Those were our times, those were our times
And I will love to see that day
That day is mine
When she will marry me outside with the willow trees
And play the songs we made
They made me so
And I would love to see that day
Her day was mine 

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

Life Before Death

I have nothing to say.

I can only be grateful to Walter Schels and his partner Beate Lakotta for doing this.

I'm deeply touched.



Tuesday, May 28, 2013


Unbelievable Pictures of Frozen Europe
There is a lot of fuss and debates about global warming, even the writing competitions start to appear. Is it human influence or it's just normal natural circle which we can't perceive because we have been collecting data for only couple of hundred years or maybe it is solar activities, or solar radiation, or magnetic storms or change in tilt of the earth's axis? We don't know yet for sure but whatever the cause is, the fact is that climate changes in front of our eyes.

I know that because when I was younger, the seasons were more stable, there weren't so many storms, so big oscillations in daily temperatures and so extreme weather. I hear a lot about rising temperature and that drought will strike us so we will have less and less drinking water, ice would melt and the sea level will rise. It looks like we are going to live in a much warmer world than we used to.

Five, six years ago (probably more :-)) I was surprised when I realised it was April and there was still snow in the mountains around Rijeka and that there was still a smell and taste of winter. In Croatia, on the northern part of the Adriatic coast where I live, we were used to the middle of spring in April – bees buzzin', yellow butterflies acting like they know where they flying, swallows nesting, sweet pollen in the air that is pleasantly warm, winter cold melting from our ankles and vitality running through our bodies, girls wearing shorter dresses and blouses and for the moment it looks like everything is OK. Even thought "Life is beautiful!" may cross our minds. On the first of May (a national holiday in Croatia celebrated as International Worker's Day), usually we would all wear t-shirts and even got first sunburns if we fall asleep in a meadow after barbecue and couple of beers. :-) But instead of half-dressed girls I'm looking at the mountains covered with snow and I'm still wearing a winter jacket, a scarf and a cap. Then thought crossed my mind: "What if global warming isn't about living in a warmer world but, instead, living in the Ice Age?"

That was the beginning of short story collection named Wintertide. I wrote three stories set in that world. Even one part of my novel Night by the River (currently in translation and it will be published in autumn if my translator comes home alive from Istanbul – I monitor her over the Facebook :-)) is set in that ice-frozen future city of Rijeka. One of those stories you can read on this blog here, or you can buy it here just to taste what this short story collection will look like or to support my writing. While you do that I'll keep writing new stories.

And remember that we are living in between two ice ages.

"Winter is not coming. Winter is here."

Stay frosty!

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Dog days are over

I started.


I wrote 600 words on Sunday in a couple of hours, and I wrote 120 words yesterday in one hour.

Advice "Write first – edit later." is a golden one. Before, I used to write and edit almost at the same time and it took me a lot of time to do it, it was a motivational killer and in the end it still needed editing. :-) So, just putting text on paper, even if you see that it could be written better while you typing, is a great thing! At least, it's a great thing for a rusty writer like me. The last short story I wrote six months ago and the short story before that – two years ago. So, to use "rusty" in this context is extremely benevolent and as for the "writer" I wouldn't even comment. Writers write. Right? Yeah, right!

Starting to write this blog was very encouraging to start produce fiction. A few more things got together – like explosion of e-books self-publishing and finding fellow writers with the same goal (thank you very much guys – you help me more than you can imagine! :-)) Final push I got from a reader who, after she read my short story collection, said to me in an e-mail:
I read your short story collection twice even though I have a lot of exams to study for. As I read, I could hardly wait for the end of every story because I knew that the end will cause the rush of ants running in my chest. At the same time, I didn't want for story to end so quickly! So I developed a tactic: I read very fast the whole story and then near the end I slowed down the reading so that end lasted longer than the whole story. And then, came that indescribable feeling! After every last sentence of every story! Then I read again, and even if I know what will happen, the same filing comes again! That's really something!
That's the power of readers!

(I think the worst thing a writer can do is to give his/hers work to family, fellow writers, critics, professors to read... Be in touch with your readers! Readers know! :-))

Thank you very, very much – dear Iva!

I'm back.



Wednesday, May 15, 2013


I have two dear friends, a couple, married with beautiful and sweet little daughter as all children are. They live in a fine house, on a fine spot and their all basic needs are met. They even have successful careers as much as something like that is possible in Croatia. They have friends, parents that are still alive, hobbies, two cars... I talked to them five months ago and I asked them how things are goin' and they replied not very well. Their relationship is crumbling apparently for no reason. I said that I understand that. This blog post goes for you guys. I hope you're still together and that you have found a way to settle "things".

So, what I understand?

I understand that feeling when it seems that all things are falling apart. I understand dissatisfaction and unbearable feeling of everyday life, frustration because things aren't the way they suppose to be. And I'm not talking about things I cannot influence like current government politics or catastrophic global economic situation or infant behavioural patterns of my closest working partners. I'm talking about things I can influence, I'm talking about things that only I can change. I'm talking about myself.

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

How much would you pay?

Heya dear readers!

Usually I wouldn't write a post on this poll but, much as far as I know, this is the only way to get this poll on Goodreads. :-)

You can vote in this box on the right. Thank you very much for your effort. I know it's not much for you but certainly is for me. If you're reading this on Goodreads, please visit my blog and vote. Don't be surprised if the poll shows only few votes - bloody thing resets itself every few hours. I keep track of the votes in an excel sheet on my computer. Frustrating it is, yes. :-)

So, here's some information on the forthcoming short story collection. It will consist of eight stories between 500 and 4000 words long, all together around 15.500 words or 50 pages. So that you know what you buying - in numbers.

Few of the stories you can read on this blog under the tag writing. All the translation work was done by Petra Pintaric. Dear Petra, thank you very very much! It's been a pleasure to work with you. And, of course, there is Branko Antolic my brother-in-law, the typical Scorpio, who did the proofreading. Thanks, bro! That much about the quality.

Two of the stories are, actually, part of a still unwritten but soon-to-be (hopefully until fall; in worst case, until the end of the year - this year! :-)) collection of short stories set in the near future where the climate changes cause the short term extreme weather condition. You will hear more on that soon when I start to write it. :-)

Before the end of the post, few words about the title. Why Old stories? Well, they are all written in time before a smartphones and mobile internet. When was that? Now you know. :-)

And at the end, instead of a candy, a prize for you, dedicated readers, a cover!


Tuesday, April 16, 2013

A Handful of Rags

The cover is done! (All right, I admit - almost :-)). But all stories are translated and it is matter of week or two before I publish my first short story collection. I'm thrilled. A little. :-) 

So, to celebrate that in advance, I present you, dear readers, one story from collection. It's A Handful of Rags, a short story that won Zlatko Tomičić prize for the best short story back in 2006.

Hope you'll enjoy it.

Here you go people: A Handful of Rags!

His jaw was clenched. His nostrils were flared. His eyes were devouring the monitor. There were beads of sweat on his forehead. His left hand was jerking rhythmically. He timed his climax for when the first squirt hit the garter belt and the stocking, but he missed. He squinted at the scene he had missed through half-closed eyes.

“Uuugh!” He was dizzy from the relief. His head hung. The sweat above his eyebrows dripped down his eyelid. The back of his chair squeaked.

Alt + F4 erased the window on his screen. The movie now seemed stupid to him.


“Hey, do you know that Eiffel invented the garter belt?”


Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Do you realize?

After work, few months ago, I stopped by my very dear friend's office to see her only to find out that she is not at work because her granddad died and she is on his funeral. I called her. Of course she couldn't reply so I texted her. Couple of minutes later she texted me back and then the realization that one man is gone for good struck me.

I didn't need to recall the death and funeral of my grandma that was two years ago, I just let realization to open me. That man is gone and that will happen to me and to all the people I know. We’ll all go. We will all die. No one will survive life. And the last man who will die in my life would be me.

To even start to get a grasp on the fact that I will disappear is very hard. That is completely out of the rational understanding. My ratio tells me that I was always here, all the time and so it is unimaginable that one day I'll be gone. Erased. Nullified. Gone. Vanished into thin air. Like I have never been here. 

But I will.

That is the only thing I can be sure of. 

Only I don't know when.

Having that in mind the question I'm asking myself is: What's the point? What is the point of having children when I'll disappear? Or writing a book? Or get married? Or earn million bucks? Or fuck the playmate of the month? Or be virtues? Or achieve anything or lose everything? What's the point? Why bother if I'll die in the end. All these goals and achievements that our culture currently propagates so eagerly are completely insignificant compared to death. I'm sure that is the reason why death and elders are removed from mass media, why we live in culture of youth, beauty, fun and leisure. I strongly believe that is also the reason why all that Twilight saga bullshit is so popular. We will live forever, young and beautiful (even if that means we'll rip other people's throats and drink their blood, suck their life – ultimate selfishness).

I don't think life by itself has a meaning. It's like we discuss what the meaning of wolf's life is? A Wolf's life doesn't have a meaning. The meaning is beyond wolf's understanding. The wolf couldn't even pose that question. The wolf's life is just life and he does what his instincts order him to do (and newagers call that freedom – Jesus Christ!). There is no meaning in a wolf's life. So, there is no meaning in our lives too. Life is life and that's it. There is no meaning in life. Meaning of life is to live (and die in the end :-)). And that's it. If we want meaning – we need to give it to life.

The last sentences of my friend's grandpa were: 
"Do not sue the driver. The man isn't guilty." He was run over by a driver who was blinded by the morning sun and didn't see an old man crossing the street.
"Take care of each other. Don't argue with each other." He said that to his wife and daughter.
"I'm sorry I didn't make a will." He had poor pension and didn't have any wealth.

On the other hand, my friend was in the hospital and doctors couldn't agree what's wrong with him. So he asked, after couple of weeks sitting in the dark. One of the doctors told him he had cancer and he wouldn't live more than a few months (in his opinion, of course). It was a wrong diagnosis but my friend realized that he will die. So, after a long night of thinking, in the morning he picked up the phone and started to call all of his ex-girlfriends to apologise for being an asshole.  

Does the understanding of our mortality gives meaning to our lives or makes us better people? Don't know. My experience after 3 months of everyday meditation on death and impermanence is that it has broken my heart. At least cracked it. Suddenly, I realise that I have no time and that only thing I need to do is to change. Not myself, not the others, not the job but the way I live. Did I realise that I’ll die? Not quite. Have I found the meaning of life? Of course not. Had I become better person? Don’t know. Maybe. 

But it’s a start.

Friday, March 29, 2013

Amazon buys Goodreads

Here is the announcement.

Don't like it.


I've read an article about a women who's account was deleted (with all e-books she bought!) because Amazon found out she is a friend of a guy who was pirating Amazon's e-books. Also, my experience with publishing on Amazon is not satisfying. First, when I uploaded my short story, they send me an e-mail where they informed me that the same content I'm trying to publish on Amazon is also available somewhere on the web (on my blog and on my Smashword page, thank you) and that I need to explain them why and where that content is. And secondly, I priced my short story 0,99 and when I went to Amazon, I saw it was 2,99. When I asked why is that, Amazon replied:
The price is high in your place because of the extra taxes and operating costs implied by the government.
When I asked why Kobo and Smashwords didn't put higher prices, they replied:
I'm sorry; we are unable to assist you, regarding, your inquiry about the application of taxes on Smashwords and Kobo, you'll have to contact them for better assistance.
Then I asked if my royalties will be higher because the higher price, they replied:
Your royalties will be paid based on the price you've selected for your book and not what the customers have paid.
Very interesting.

It seems that big corporation like Amazon can do whatever it wants with his customers, no law protects you. Their way or the highway. And now they bought Goodreads, a social network that was proud of incorruptible and true reviews of books made by their members. Amazon who reluctantly did something to prevent false and malicious reviews on their own pages (here for more details).

That's why I don't like it. Too much power concentrated in one place and main motivation is to make more money. Hope that Jeff Bezos will soon discover that people who use Amazon for buying and selling e-books are not there because they want Amazon to make more and more money but to make this planet better place for people who want to read and for those who want to write.

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Interview with Smashwords founder Mark Coker

Since I'm using Smashwords platform for publishing I said to myself:
"All right, who the hell that Mark Coker guy is?" 
So I went on You Tube and search for him. I want to see him and hear him. And I did. What I saw is a guy who has a vision, courage and faith. Check for yourself:

Thursday, March 21, 2013

I do not fear death

If that so, why are we paralysed with fear when we think about our death?

It seems like we are going to lose something.




Chance for what?

It's been said that people much more regret for things they didn't do then for things they did.

Are we, actually, afraid of life? Of living?

And what really means to live?

Aren't we doing that all the time?

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

To write or not to write?

Photo taken from Huffpost.
Amanda Patterson at Writers Write has written an excellent post The Myth of Writer's Block. She says:
The most common excuses for not writing are:
Family: I have children. I’m the family taxi. I have to be there for my husband/wife.
Work: I work long hours. I’m too tired after a day at the office. I have to work overtime so that we can afford a new car / bigger house.
Time: I’m too busy. I’ll do it tomorrow / next month / next year. I can’t write late at night / early in the morning.
General: I’m not inspired. I’m too old/young. I’m too tired/depressed/sick.
Our Favourite: It’s not what you know but who you know in publishing. (I thought this one works only in the Balkans. :-))
And poses a question:
If you were told you were going to die tomorrow, would you regret not having written?
Searching for a good photo for this post, I found Rick Smith's article What Would You Do if You Were Going to Die Tomorrow? Or Not.

Fits well, doesn't it?

And don't forget to read Amanda's post. :-)

Friday, March 15, 2013

Friday, March 8, 2013


Two things amaze me: the human spirit and the human will.

In this post, I was thinking to write about how changing context transforms content into something else but we all know that very well. We do that all the time when we twist and deform truth to fit in our narrow point of view only to preserve this unbearable way we live. We do that every day failing ourselves and those around us who we so eagerly and desperately try to love. But we fail. We cannot succeed only by wishing and hoping. And the others do the same to us and we are all stuck in that unspoken and invisible conspiracy of turning a blind eye to who we truly are and to what we really should be doing.

But, every now and then, something rises in our lives that we cannot ignore. Sometimes it scares us, sometimes inspires us (and it's the same thing - just interpreted in a way how do we feel: attracted or repulsed). To me, it's the spirit and will in action. The spirit as the ground to be human being and the will as the way to be human being - to live our short lives the best way we can for ourselves and for all those that we love.

This people inspired me today. Thank you unknown fellow humans. May the light shines on all your paths still to walk.

Fix You - Young@Heart from Enzo Gianvittorio on Vimeo.

Tuesday, February 26, 2013


Don't know what is the right reason but, somehow, I was always in that samizdat bullshit. When I was a student of Croatian language and Literature in the second half of the 90's, I was publishing artzine named OFF Skroz (with a help from my friends and collaegues Enver Krivac and Mišo Novković) and we published six issues. Even our first novel (collaboration with Krivac) was also self-published. Somehow, at that time, we thought nobody wants to publish our work because it was too subversive, too provocative and too politically incorrect. I believe one of the reasons was the fact that we were living in a small province town not so much far away but enough away from big publishers and the cultural epicentre in the capital city. Maybe we were more unnoticed than subversive? So, after we published our first novel Picinic and after we published Mišo's collection of poems Moonrain, we came to conclusion about two things. First: anyone can publish a book if one has enough money (vanity publishing). And second: there is no point in publishing a book if no one will ever read it. So we quit with writing and self-publishing.

For 13 years.

OK, not exactly. I published a novel 5 years ago and in that time Krivac published a novel, a comic collection and soon will publish a short story collection but all that time we actually spent on learning that there is no money in writing and publishing books in Croatia – if you're a writer. (this time I won't write about publishers in Croatia.) For writers in Croatia the only satisfaction is to hold their damn book in their shaking hands. That is the most you can expect and that is the most you'll get. Who wants to write and publish if that's the best you can get? I know a writer, and I believe there are more writers out there who think the same, who once said to me: "You know, I made peace with myself that I would never earn any money from my writing. So I satisfy myself with holding my book in my hands."

Fuck that, man!

Jesus Christ!


That's what I say.

No one will live on behalf of my work while I work for free. I'm no slave, motherfuckers! Did you hear me? I'M NO FUCKIN' SLAVE, ASSHOLES!!!

And for you writer-sucker, it would be better to hold your dick in your hands than a damn book!

So, in the last few years some people invented smartphones, e-readers, e-books, tablet computers and some other people saw opportunity for making big bucks and so I heard about self-published authors and the new way of publishing, so called e-publishing. And what can I say? No thanks (I'm too old for that shit)? Of course not! Self-publishing is in my veins. I've always been doing that. The only difference now is there is a slim chance that I can actually earn some money from doing something I always needed to do. To write.

Self publishing – here I am!

Monday, January 28, 2013



Cause it's a bittersweet symphony, this life
Try to make ends meet
Try to find some money then you die

All lyrics here

Thursday, January 17, 2013

Power (political)

For six months, I have been following the tweeter account WW2 Tweets. The project has been started by a history professor and it will go on for next 5 years. Couple of days ago I stumbled on this photo on Pinterest. The photo was taken during the Nanking massacre in 1937 when Japanese army invaded China. I read of the mass scale bombing of Britain by Nazi Germany and the British retribution attacks on German cities. I read propaganda articles on both sides and wondering how all these atrocities could happen? How could we do all these horrible things to each other? Then I remembered the Croatian – Serbian war I lived through (luckily my town was spared from demolition and war conflict) and then I realised it happened because we didn't perceive other human beings as human beings. We saw them as objects, as non-humans. They were no humans. They were "others".

For people born and raised in the last 50 years in Western culture after the WW2, after Rock 'n' roll, the hippie movement and the rise of postmodernism it is hard to comprehend what horrible things we did to each other and why. I believe the reason is as I stated above.

We didn't treat others as human beings.

We didn't have sympathy for them, we didn't want to know that they have feelings as we do, that they love, care, hate, feel pain, can be bothered, have mothers, fathers, children, relatives, friends... Same as we do. If that is not true, then how could we know what love is, what fear is, what is sharp pain and dull pain, what it means to think or have an idea? How could we understand each other? We all share these experiences and that is why we understand each other, why we make connections or why art or science exist.

The Western culture learned a lessons from the past (or at least it looks like it did) and I'm hoping for good even not all the members of our society do. We still have people among us who look on other people as objects. We all do that on some occasions and that is the reason why we should keep remembering what we did in the past. Not to torment ourselves but to prevent us from repeating the same mistakes.

I see political struggle all around. There are basically leftists and rightists and whole spectrum in between. Generally I believe they all have some basically good values and all have blind spots but one thing must be set as the bottom line. No man or a party could win elections and rule if they do not perceive others humans as human beings. I haven't seen that line anywhere in the world and basically anybody could nominate and win elections. In other words anyone can be a politician. I agree with that but I would suggest that people who have that kind of ambition should pass a set of psychological tests. If we need to pass a psychological evaluation for getting the driver's license or weapon permit then the politicians should do the same.

We have more than enough examples of misuse of political power .

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

The Axe

Trees began to disappear at the end of November.

In parks.

The metal skeletons of park benches remained the rusted witnesses of the attack of tree-thirsty two-legged vultures. And the roots. Tiny. In craters. As if the parks had been under cannonade by a strange weapon that attacked only trees. All trees. With no exceptions. Pines, beeches, oaks, birches, plane trees, chestnut trees, etc. The cypress trees at graveyards were also hungry for warmth. For life.

“We’re running out of wood.”

“I know.”

“So what are you going to do about it?”

Friday, January 11, 2013

Being happy

I stumbled upon this interesting article where author suggest that compulsive thinking about ourselves is one of the reasons why we live unhappy lives. 

Researches prove it ! :-)

So is being happy all about shifting our tendency away from focus on ourselves? 

From my meditation experience - it is (not). 

Because when we manage to shift/change our focus from inward to outward and that slowly becomes our default state of mind, then our definition of happiness also changes. 

Can you imagine to be happy just because you are alive, you are right here, right now and have a chance to smell, hear, see, touch and taste life?


Well, all in all it's a trip, long and unending. Hard and full of surprises rarely pleasant but often good ones. Shifting attention from me to the world is only one piece of the puzzle. But very, very important one. In other words - the basic one.

So long, roaches.

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Dance or die

Dancing is definitely one of the ways to spend your life. Especially if you're ballet dancer or pole dancer or something in between. My friends, in the other hand, believe that playing music is a good way of spending their lives. So they play.

And you could dance.

Or die.

Monday, January 7, 2013

Meditation or Medication?

So, cockroaches, what is the difference?

Do you want to plug out or you want to stay plugged in?

Once you pull out a chord, you can't plug it in anymore. Not really. Cypher option is out. After taking a red pill there is no coming back. We can pretend but it's useless. We can even forget but suffering continues and it is even worse than before. I have friends stuck in the middle – it is hell. Maybe that was the real meaning of crucifixion? Nor here, nor there. Crucified.

That's one of the reasons why medication option is more popular.

But let's start with the choice offered in the header.

What is meditation? In Western culture there is a general belief that meditation is something that you do with result of getting in some kind of Disneyland state of mind where everything is perfect. If you want that effect try some drugs that fit the description. I, for example, believed that it will solve all the problems I had at that moment. It didn't. I solved them (and created new ones). Meditation just makes it difficult for us to turn blind eye to problems. They are not avoidable anymore. So, what is meditation? In short: meditation is art of paying attention.

What is medication? It's quite opposite from meditation. When we can't stand the intensity of life all we want is to pull back. If stress isn't high enough, we can ease our day with a couple of beers. If stress is higher and lasts longer – we snap. We can't pretend anymore that we do have control or that we know what will happen or what people around us will do. We are forced to admit that the world is not as we want to be or expect it to be. And the world is least of our problems – we don't even know who the people we share meals and beds with are or what will they do next.
That's really fucked up! When that happens, we experience a breakdown. It's too much. That, in a way, is a good sign that we need to slow down a little. Slow down, not retreat. But long way before that happens we usually take a pill to – forget. Nice. Comfortably numb.

So, the blue pill or the red pill, cockroaches?

Just remember, don't mess with the red pill if you are not willing to go all the way.

Here is a great article from a Long-Distant meditator on his intensive 30 day meditation practice for you roaches to get the taste of how things are, once (if at all) you take the red pill.

So long, roaches!